Not Addicted

According to this site (aka, some kid making stuff up), the word nostalgia originates from a medical term used to describe "the pain a sick person feels because he wishes to return to his native land, and fears never to see it again."

This definition, coined by Johannes Hofer in 1688, has grown stale and antiquated. I propose the following definition of nostalgia: "a way for companies to sell a tremendous load of cheap, unimaginitive crap." I would also accept "the reason the new Fantastic Four movie sold more than six tickets."

Nostalgia is a device used by plutocrats to ruin fond memories from childhood. What's better than seeing Optimus Prime transfer his dying spark to Hot Rod in order to continue his legacy? Why, seeing Bumblebee pull out a mechanical wang and urinate on Copbot of course!

But these travesties aren't purely the result of nostalgia, because nostalgia is not evil on its own. Given too much time, nostalgia will begin to fester. It's small black eyes will sprout gnarled vines and affix their disgusting visage around your face in order to secrete tainted juices down your throat. I call this creature Gamblor and we need to snatch our youth from his neon claws!

But what does this disgusting creature have to do with MMOs? Dungeons and Dragons Online, The Matrix Online, and Toon Town Online to name a few, and many more lurking on the horizon.

Warhammer Online
Developer: EA Mythic We all know that Warhammer Online has been pushed back for lethal levels of crapiness - read Isobelle's review for the specifics on the current Warhammer build. But who knows what schlock EA will produce in the next year? Perhaps the Chaos Dwarfs will make it into the mix (I'm not being sarcastic, that would be freakin' sweet).

Marvel Universe Online
Developer: Cryptic Studios
Unfortunately, City of Heroes has already beat Marvel to the superhero punch. Despite Marvel's best efforts (read: lawsuits), CoH players are still able to make crappy Spider Man and Wolverine knockoffs. So what new player experience will MUO offer its fanbase? The only thing it can offer, cameo appearances from old favorites. Perhaps MUO will offer a teleportation system that consists of Colossuses delivering "fast-ball specials" to paying customers (+10 points if you know what I'm talking about), or the ability to go clubbing with the Sub-Mariner.

DC Online
Developer: Sony Online
The only thing that really piques my interest with DCO is the possibility of Batman being my mentor/trainer/male companion. Other than that, the Marvel review is applicable here. However, there are rumors that this title is being developed for the PS3, giving people one reason to buy a PS3!

Age of Conan Online
Developer: Funcom
Actually, this title doesn't look half bad. Marketed as a very adult title, Age of Conan sets a very dark stage, one filled with gruesome decapitations and chainmail bikinis. A far cry from the current standard of cartoony yuckfests saturating the MMO market. Perhaps this other side of the curve is where more WoW challengers should venture.

Star Trek Online
Publisher: Perpetual Entertainment
Many who flock to this game will try their hardest to make Picard or Kirk clones for the purposes of nerd dominance. However, according to this article, STO might not even make it out of the gate. Maybe we can hope for a fledgling company to come pick up the pieces before being acquired by Sony as part of the company's purchase of Scott Bakula.