Miss Video Game 2007: Sexism In The Name Of Equality!

[Alihja]

Well stuff a tube of lipstick up my nose and call me Al. Suddenly game companies and their advertisers say they want to know about women, and what we want in our games. They're not too good at figuring this stuff out. The way things are going lately, we're all going to be sent back into the Dark Ages. But lets not stop there. It gets even better! Oh my dear readers, nothing says, “Let’s promote equality of women in gaming.” like a pageant where people will be able to look at your photo and vote you out of the competition before you even get a chance to play and demonstrate your gaming skills. No, I'm not kidding. Introducing...

The people at the Miss Video Game competition say that they want to promote female gaming and equality. That really is noble! Here we have the timeline for the competition off of the Miss Video Game 2007 website.


Lets take a look at the requirements.





Let us start with number one. “Must have Personality” eh? Well I have personality. Oops, I mean, Personality. In fact, there are a few people (like my ex-husband) who would tell you that I have about six of them. It’s like having six women in one, actually. Well it’s either that, or five women and one thirty-five year old male. Whatever, man... who’s counting?

Let us look at the second requirement. “Must be female.” So far I’m in the clear. The “no wigs and make up guys” was clearly funny. This is awesome. When I was a young nerd girl with thick glasses and acne, I didn’t think that that having a vagina would ever get me anything but pregnant at an early age, and popular with all the boys in my high school. And when neither of those things had happened, (this was most likely due to hanging out in the computer lab playing “Lunar Lander and Missile Attack instead of tossing back beers underneath the bleachers) I had given up. Now that I’m an old broad with thick glasses and acne, it’s really good to know that there is hope to set my sights higher. I now know that my vagina and I can achieve great things in the name of womanhood and equality. Hooray!

I haven’t been this excited since Sony Online Entertainment announced the “Antonia Bayle” look-alike contest. What an epitome of female gamer promotion that was. That Antonia Bayle contest drew in models, cam-whores and booth babes from all over, and some of them could even spell the word “Antonia”. Then on April 1st, not to be seen as sexist, Sony put up an announcement of Kane Bayle’s contest. That sure drew in more hoots and hollers than a wet T-shirt contest. Nobody got to enter. You see, that Kane Bayle contest was only an April Fools joke. Ha-ha, get it? Gee-willickers, the idea of putting men through the same type of degrading pageantry as women… that’s a great one if I do say so myself. Tee-hee!

Number three is easy. “You Play Video Games like its your job.” First of all, it’s “it’s” as in, “it is” but all of this random capitalization and bad punctuation isn’t the only thing that’s getting me excited. I know that I’m no cute little gold farmer chained to a desk, but I play a lot of video games anyway. Then again, it says this on their site, "Even if you don't know anything about video games sign up and learn - that's what this is all about, spreading gaming to women around the globe!!!" They kind of make it sound like a virus. Yeah, I heard about this one woman who got gaming spread to her, and now she has to be really careful when she has gaming outbreaks.

I’m doing really well on all of the points so far. That brings us to number four.

Number four. Loves the beach? Uh-oh! This one looks like trouble. I really want to help out and promote the wonderful equality of what Miss Video Game 2007 is, but when I look at the last of these contest requirements I’m stuck on the whole “Must love the beach” thing. Is this a must-have? I guess so, since the site indicates that the winner will be going there for a “sexy” photo shoot. Hooboy, this is not good.

You see, as a gamer I love dark cold rooms that are lit by flat panels and LCD monitors. The hum of the fans in my Scorpio “Z” 668 case with its kick-ass "Z" backlight on the front panel which is a lovely shade of blue… kind of like a beach, right?

I’m sorry, but I just don’t think about the beach much these days. In fact, I kind of hate the beach. I think of it as the worst way to spend a weekend, especially when I could be leveling up my hunter in World of Warcraft, or my paragon in Guild Wars. I just can’t see what the beach has to do with gaming.

A couple of months ago, when I was at DragonCon and I sat on two video game panels, did I think about the beach then? Alas, my sweet adorable cupcakes, no, I did not fucking think about the beach. I hardly even remember what the beach looks like. I think it has water, and sand… and—hey, wait a minute! Computer chips are made out of silicon, and sand is also known as silicon dioxide. And guess what’s at the beach?

Okay. I love the beach! Hooray! Oh gosh, do I ever love the beach. It’s almost unhealthy how much I love it. So that settles it, it’s time to get ready for my photo shoot!


Photo Shoot.




Here I am everyone, loving the beach! It’s almost dirty --judging by that expression-- to think that I’ve gone all this time without fully appreciating what the beach means to me, and just about every gamer in the entire world. If you clicked there, you're bound to love the beach too!


Here I am returning my first video card back to its natural habitat.

Oops, it’s not sexy enough. I need to be sexy, like a Playboy Bunny, but instead of cute bunny ears, I have this video card.



Wait, it needs lipstick but not just any old shade. It needs red lipstick, and lots of it because it’s the sexy beach.



Nope, still more lipstick needed. Not sexy enough!





Hey, my old video card has been out-sexed by me. No fair. It needs lipstick too! Ah, that’s better.



Hey, I bet all those kick-ass male gamers have to send in their hot photos before entering gaming tournaments too, right? No? Hmm. You know, I guess I do wonder why I don’t see people voting male gamers out of tournaments before anyone even sees them play, and I wonder why they aren't being asked to add their photos in their contest entries. I thought this was about equality. Oh well, I won’t worry my pretty little head over it.

Besides, I have to fill out that wonderful application first. As you can see, a lot of thought went into it.



Hooray for equality, and all that.


NotAddicted Alihja Says: On a serious note to my fellow ladies of gaming, if you want to “be the voice of female gaming” then use that voice. Strive to be more than just eye candy, or a beauty queen who is advertising fodder for the male majority. Speak out, game to your heart’s content, and be opinionated.

[Eaglie]

<3 for the spelling/punctuation corrections

[Balthial]

Oh man, lipstick on the cable port, that's freaking DIRTY.

[Alihja]

Originally Posted by Balthial

Oh man, lipstick on the cable port, that's freaking DIRTY.

Bonus points to whomever figures out what the brand and model of that card is.

[Frybread]

FACT: A "favotite" is the boob you like the most.

The problem is that they try to say the competition is about gamer "equality" at the same time as it's a competition between HOT CHICKS.

One or the other, MissVideoGame. If it were just a pageant, well, then it would still be pretty fucking stupid. Who is the hottest girl that also can play a video game? Every female in a first world country has played a video game, and I think the chicks in Rowanda have pong by now, cut the shit and let's just look at naked chicks holding hip retro atari controllers. MissVideoGame is a horrible idea.

Since I like supporting horrible ideas, I sent them an email. I was thinking it would be like $50 or $100 to get our name on the site and become their first sponsor. Then they could afford my cousin at the high-school newspaper to do a little editing.

Here's how it went:

Company: Not Addicted
Industry: MMORPG tabloid
Budget: varies

We are interested in getting in on the ground floor. We believe that just like males, Females are able to have a healthy gaming drive well into their later years. If possible, we'd like one of our writers to get a little extra attention as a contestant. She's HOT, loves red lipstick, and has a deep understanding of the beach.

anonymous@mexico.prod.phx1.secureserver.net wrote:
Hi Trevor,

Yes, with your Gold Sponsorship you would receive attention on the ground floor. You would also appear on the footer of every page on the website in a 250 x 250 space with a direct link to your site.

Unfortunately, we may not promote contestants ourselves, however, we can make a press release of your sponsorship and include your writer in it.
The current price for the Gold Sponsorships is 15, 000 USD. This price is subject to change in the future, so if you're interested act now.

Please let me know if you have any further questions.

Best regards,
The Gamers at Miss Video Game

$15,000 for a link! We give those out for free to pharmaceutical spammers three or four times per day. I think it's time we get into the pageant business.

[Alihja]

A Mr. Mangina 2007 pageant.

[Frybread]

And next week's update was born.

[Chedar]

I absolutely loved this article. Alihja, your stuff always makes me chuckle.

[isobelle]

Originally Posted by Alihja

Bonus points to whomever figures out what the brand and model of that card is.

it's an SLI 3Dfx setup... i'm gonna have to focus my "inner nerd chi" for the following:

being as the original Voodoos weren't SLI capable (and in fact used VGA passthru cables to run 'in conjunction' with a regular card, only going '3d' when necessary), and they had added heatsinks right around the Banshee models, i'll have to say that particular setup getting the makeover would be two "Voodoo 2"s...?

the big wonky (by today's standards) SLI cables were the dead giveaway... they look like IDE cables (bonus* they're actually internal floppy ones)... that, and the fact that the three seperate (uncooled) GPUs are clearly visible as well.

90Mhz, and UP TO 8MB mem per card meant unheard of GAMING HOTNESS...! YOW!



(and i would have loved to see additional 'crowd reaction' shots during your explicit photo shoot, but i guess i should know better... looked like a shitty day at the beach anyway... lolz)

<3

send my prize to japan. just make up an address and drop it in the mail. they all know me over here. i'll get it eventually.

[dermien]

Say what you want about the Antonia Bayle contest but they did make her visit some dying kid.

Originally Posted by dermien

Say what you want about the Antonia Bayle contest but they did make her visit some dying kid.

When that competition was over I'm not doubting that they worked her like a dog... or a pony.

[Catriona]

I lol'd hard.

Originally Posted by Chedar

I absolutely loved this article. Alihja, your stuff always makes me chuckle.

And all of your posts so far, have made me smile.

[Runned]

Wait, Alihja is a girl??

[Poistiant]

Man those girls are hardcore gamers 15+ HOLY SHIT I can't imagine playing that much!

[Runned]

Originally Posted by Poistiant

Man those girls are hardcore gamers 15+ HOLY SHIT I can't imagine playing that much!

The best part is that if you play a game like it's your job, then you'd only be working 3 hours a day! Where do I sign up?

[Naolin]

Originally Posted by Runned

The best part is that if you play a game like it's your job, then you'd only be working 3 hours a day! Where do I sign up?

Hmm that sounds like a sweet deal. Where is me wig and make up! Time to go to town girlz

[Mordiceius]

Sorority Boys Part 2: Miss Video Game

[Runned]

Originally Posted by Naolin

Time to go to town girlz

great article! i lol'ed

AND we get some amazing intel: Frybread's name is Trevor!
Dude, we're on to you

This just proves one thing...

Girls and Computer Games DO NOT MIX!!

Just leave us gaming geek virgin guys, with our Lara Croft digital femme fatales and be done with it!

Girls, just give it up. Go back to your Barbie's and leave us guys alone!

[Alihja]

Originally Posted by Guest

This just proves one thing...

Girls and Computer Games DO NOT MIX!!

Just leave us gaming geek virgin guys, with our Lara Croft digital femme fatales and be done with it!

Girls, just give it up. Go back to your Barbie's and leave us guys alone!

If you mix a girl with a computer game, make sure the blender blades are sharp enough to grind all of the bones together with the plastic fragments.

[colekutz]

Will the lake allow us to have a plum danish for a break?

[mven]

OMG Dirty beach photo shoot with nekkid video cards. *swoon* You'll always be my favorite Miss Video Game! Those pics make you look really smart! I think this contest will do a lot to forward the role of women in gaming. Hopefully game companies will wise up and stop making ridiculous female avatars. Seriously, the human girls in WoW have such wonderful hips yet their asses are so flat. How is a mangina supposed to get their jollies staring at hours of Jane Fonda ass?!

Anyway as I was saying you look hot which must mean you are really smart and good at games. You should totally enter that pageant and show the world that you aren't going to let the handicap of having a vagina keep you from being the best gamer you can be. Show them that yours breasts are more than just bags of fat that are fun to squeeze that they can also net you free ph4tz in online games. Prove to us all that you are more than just a pretty face and that's okay that you wiped our raid because you're a girl irl.

Okay I keep getting interupted by work so this makes absolutely no sense at this point. Nice article though~

mmmmmmmmm bags of fat

That looks like beach in Ukraine, my country

-Sergei

[Itdano]

Ali, will you please let me bear some of your future children now? I'm begging you.

[Alihja]

Originally Posted by Guest

mmmmmmmmm bags of fat

I have those too. I'm not just talking my breasts, either. Just bags of fat. I carry them around in my trunk... never know when I'll need them.

Originally Posted by Guest

That looks like beach in Ukraine, my country

-Sergei

It's Minnesota. It gets blustery-cold in the winter months.

Originally Posted by Itdano

Ali, will you please let me bear some of your future children now? I'm begging you.

Sure. I hear that cloning is the way to go these days. ... wait Dano, you don't have a uterus. Where are you going to store them?

Please don't answer that.

[Runned]

Originally Posted by Alihja

I have those too. I'm not just talking my breasts, either. Just bags of fat. I carry them around in my trunk... never know when I'll need them.

Reminds me of a joke my dad told me when I was 10... How do you make five pounds of fat look good? You put a nipple on it!

[Alihja]

Originally Posted by Runned

Reminds me of a joke my dad told me when I was 10... How do you make five pounds of fat look good? You put a nipple on it!

I just had a visual of a largely obese person covered head to toe in nipples. It didn't look very good. It was like... a nipple-monster.

[Runned]

In a dark room, nipple monster would be the most popular kid in town.

Originally Posted by Alihja

I have those too. I'm not just talking my breasts, either. Just bags of fat. I carry them around in my trunk... never know when I'll need them.

Ali makes her own soap. /nod

Hmmm.... If not for the spelling mistakes and the whole sexy photo shoot on the beach I would be a strong supporter of this. I think its important that female gamers are brought to light but a pageant is not the way to do it in my opinion.

[Unregistard]

Originally Posted by Alihja

It's Minnesota. It gets blustery-cold in the winter months.

in addition, it was largely populated by swedes with a river fetish... much like the ukrane.

Hey Ali!!

Ebil Pally here kick ass article (as always). My gut reaction was *bangs head on desk* and WTF that's crazy.
I say we should dress up Lyrax as a girl and enter him in the pageant...here he comes Ms. Stinky bard..he may not win but the pictures would be a good laugh!
Plus we could tell him that we want lots of gold for our WoW hunters or the pictures get posted everywhere!! (then we can shoot him and sic our pets on him and post them anyway)

Zolari TEH Ebil Paladin
email: ebilpaladin@hotmail.com (for real!!!)

Originally Posted by Alihja

It's Minnesota. It gets blustery-cold in the winter months.

That where million dolers berried, yes? I send dotter as Foren exchange studint to Saint Scholastica with shovel to find. She no come back until she find. I have her talk you for help. She name is Slivenka.

-Sergei

[Itdano]

Originally Posted by Guest

Hey Ali!!

Ebil Pally here kick ass article (as always). My gut reaction was *bangs head on desk* and WTF that's crazy.
I say we should dress up Lyrax as a girl and enter him in the pageant...here he comes Ms. Stinky bard..he may not win but the pictures would be a good laugh!
Plus we could tell him that we want lots of gold for our WoW hunters or the pictures get posted everywhere!! (then we can shoot him and sic our pets on him and post them anyway)

Zolari TEH Ebil Paladin
email: ebilpaladin@hotmail.com (for real!!!)

/veto

The last thing in the world I want to see is Lyrax in a dress. Yeah, I know, he's a bard and all effeminate and might not look too terrible in a dress, but still... no.

[Shatter]

lol my girlfriend (who is gorgeous imo) and a gamer is of this opinion... but both of our jaws hit the floor on this site...

www.gorgeousgamers.com

signpicplzktnxbai

[Runned]

Originally Posted by Shatter

lol my girlfriend (who is gorgeous imo)

pics plz

Originally Posted by Gorgeous Gamers

Sorry, you must login to use this feature (rate pics)

MUST HAND OUT JUDGMENT, BUT TOO LAZY TO REGISTER

[Shatter]

fair enough... guess where i'll link it from :-p
http://www.gorgeousgamers.com/index....rofile&id=2427