Transformers FTL

[Gaston]

I don't know what I hated more about this movie, the movie itself or the people behind me who loved it so much they saw fit to narrate with "dang dude!", "that ride is SICK!", and "she's so hot!"

To put it simply, Transformers combines the acting talent of The Fast and the Furious 3, the comedic timing of Big Fat Liar, and the fight sequences of Power Rangers: SVU to create a movie that makes Live Free or Die Hard look like a masterpiece of cinematic achievement.

The worst part about Transformers is that for the first half of the movie there aren't any, which leaves the movie to be carried on the shoulders of its atrociously awful actors. The cast includes Shia LaBeouf of Even Stevens fame, that one guy who was in the Dairy Queen commercials, a handful of Victoria Secret rejects, and a squad of pretty-boy bodybuilders.

Many of these actors deliver lines with the passion of a middle schooler asked to read a paragraph aloud for the class, and the dialogue that they're given smacks of cheap rehashed action movie catch-phrases pulled from rehashed-action-movie-catchphrases.com. To detract from the terrible acting, Michael Bay takes every possible opportunity to expose the only on-screen redeeming qualities of his female cast members; their body parts. A device used primarily in order to appeal to his 11-13 year old age demographic.

Not that the scenes that the actors are thrown into are any better. Scenes range from a yuck-fest where Bernie Mac (yes, I said Bernie Mac) plays a sleasy salesman with the gift of gab, to a sequence where Shia negotiates a better grade for a class project with a nerdy teacher presumably taken directly from an episode of Full House. These memorable moments are topped only by an American Pie-esque sequence where Shia LaBeouf is confronted by his parents about masturbating when he's trying to keep his Autobot friends a secret.

Classy.

The movie stumbles forward packed full of unrealistic characters that do little to advance the plot. Many of these extraneous nitwits are as dull as the main characters and occupy sequences ranging from 15 seconds to 15 minutes.

And just when you think it can't get any stupider, a secret division of the government intervenes headed up by a character so ridiculously goofy that one can't help but wonder if Bay isn't just stealing actors from the local community theater. I take that back actually, I saw Man of La Mancha last year at our local theater and it was awesome.

It isn't until an hour into the film that the first Autobot is presented. Up until this point no one really has any idea where the movie is going or if the premise is actually going to deliver anything more than doe eyed C-listers. After the Autobots crash land, Optimus Prime gives a 3 minute plot wrap up to bring the audience up to speed. However rushed and belated this explanation was, the movie started showing promise at this point. Many of the original Autobots were present and appeared to have been cast appropriately to their personalities.

Unfortunately the movie comes crashing back to sub-mediocrity when the next scene brings us to Shiloh Labeuff's house where the Autobots do their best to hide in Shiloh's backyard while he stalls his parents. The only thing missing from this 20 minute long scene was Yackity Yack Sax and the Autobots running through different doors in a long corridor.

An hour and a half into the film we were finally treated to the first (and only) robot fight sequence. Although, by the time the movie lurches its way into the event that we originally paid our ten bucks for, it was too little too late. Autobots fight Decepticons, Decepticons are better armed and armored but still lose, somehow the humans make a difference in the fight, and the movie closes on a sunset of all of the fine GM cars and trucks looking proudly to the horizon.

Roll credits, lights go up, clean up crew walks in and- oh wait! There's more! The end credits feature Shia's on-screen parents who deliver a Christopher Guest inspired improvisational interview that pokes fun at the U.S. government! Oh Michael Bay, you managed to pull it out of a nosedive at the last minute! MY HAT"S OFF TWO YOU SIR< 5 GOLD STARS!!!

[Khatib]

Just for hiring Micheal Bay, I vowed to never spend money to see that movie. Once it hits HBO, I'll get around to watching it for free, but I'll never spend a cent on it. What a bad choice of director for a classic franchise.

[derkaderka]

It sucked IMO

[Buhbba]

I actually enjoyed it, but I will admit I hated the self-appointed narrators. I have the uncanny ability to sit back and a enjoy movie for what it is. I'm willing to bet you were never going to give this movie a real shot no matter what.

Many of these actors deliver lines with the passion of a middle schooler asked to read a paragraph aloud for the class, and the dialogue that they're given smacks of cheap rehashed action movie catch-phrases pulled from rehashed-action-movie-catchphrases.com.

You do realize that this is based on a 1980's cartoon, right? That said, I enjoyed Shia's performance. I think he was very funny, and for the most part that's what he was there for.

These memorable moments are topped only by an American Pie-esque sequence where Shia LaBeouf is confronted by his parents about masturbating when he's trying to keep his Autobot friends a secret.

Classy.

So sorry this film didn't live up to your high standards of "class."

It isn't until an hour into the film that the first Autobot is presented.

Yeah, that took forever! Like those robot were trying to hide or something!

and the movie closes on a sunset of all of the fine GM cars and trucks looking proudly to the horizon.

My God! Car advertising in a movie!? Moreover, in a movie where characters turn into cars!? SHOCKING!

I also enjoyed Live Free or Die Hard. I'm curious to know if you liked the other Die Hard films.

Sure, it's not gonna win any Academy Awards (save Best Visual Effects perhaps) but just because it wasn't some high-minded, always serious, completely epic film, doesn't mean it's not enjoyable.

If you think The movie is that bad, go back and actually watch the old show. Sure, it has the childhood nostalgia on its side, but seriously, it was a cheesy 80's cartoon based on the idea of selling toys.

[Khatib]

Die Hard 4 going PG13 was a sellout on the franchise. I was actually disappointed by that. Some of the plot devices were a lil weak, and a few of the action sequences were just stupidly over the top, another thing the series hadn't really done before, which was a lil weak and a bit of a sellout. Otherwise.... enh.. it was enjoyable. I didn't feel like I'd wasted my money, although I did go see it at a matinée, so it was on the cheaper side anyways.

[Buhbba]

Originally Posted by Khatib

Die Hard 4 going PG13 was a sellout on the franchise. I was actually disappointed by that. Some of the plot devices were a lil weak, and a few of the action sequences were just stupidly over the top, another thing the series hadn't really done before, which was a lil weak and a bit of a sellout. Otherwise.... enh.. it was enjoyable. I didn't feel like I'd wasted my money, although I did go see it at a matinée, so it was on the cheaper side anyways.

The scale of the action in the Die Hards grows from film to film, if a Die Hard 5 were to be made it would probably get ridiculous.

[Eaglie]

It was pretty unbearable until the Autobots land on Earth. Then, personally, I just shut out Shia and watch the awesomeness of all the Transformers.

[Arlochan]

Originally Posted by Eaglie

It was pretty unbearable until the Autobots land on Earth. Then, personally, I just shut out Shia and watch the awesomeness of all the Transformers.

Agreed

[oshin]

I liked it, megan fox kept me happy until the autobots came along. There were some cringeworthy moments for sure, but not as half as many as I expected. But yea, need ed more stompy robot fights.

[Gaston]

The 80's t.v. show was just a toy commercial. The 80's movie was fricken awesome. The first 3 die hard movies are good fun.

I went in to that theater just wanting to see something that didn't completely suck, and Michael Bay couldn't even deliver me that much.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the Mountain Dew Bot, which assaulted his enemies with delicious Mountain Dew!

[Buhbba]

Originally Posted by Gaston

The 80's t.v. show was just a toy commercial. The 80's movie was fricken awesome. The first 3 die hard movies are good fun.

I went in to that theater just wanting to see something that didn't completely suck, and Michael Bay couldn't even deliver me that much.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the Mountain Dew Bot, which assaulted his enemies with delicious Mountain Dew!

I would be sacred to death of a Mountain Dew Bot. That stuff tastes like pee.

[Khatib]

Originally Posted by Buhbba

I would be sacred to death of a Mountain Dew Bot. That stuff tastes like pee.

BLASPHEMER!

[Khaz]

Originally Posted by Buhbba

I would be sacred to death of a Mountain Dew Bot. That stuff tastes like pee.

Hmm, which is more disturbing? The fact you are scared of vending machines, or that you know what pee tastes like...

[oshin]

I must admit my massive urge to go to look up ebay on yahoo for some transformers, a nokia, a dodge car thingy, some mountain dew, pepto bismal and god knows what else.

[Buhbba]

Originally Posted by Khaz

Hmm, which is more disturbing? The fact you are scared of vending machines, or that you know what pee tastes like...

I WAS STUNG ON THE TONGUE BY A JELLYFISH!!!1

[Arlochan]

Originally Posted by Buhbba

I WAS STUNG ON THE TONGUE BY A JELLYFISH!!!1

Ouch and very gross